Deep within a dark forest, a Roman platoon desperately attempts to defend an outpost from never-ending barbarian assaults. As reality around them becomes anachronistic surrealism, illogical and absurd, the soldiers accept it as self-evident.
עמוק בתוך יער אפל, מחלקת חיילים רומית מגינה על מוצב מבודד מפני מתקפות אינסופיות של ברבארים, כשבעולם הסוריאליסטי והאנכרוניסטי סביבם חוסר ההיגיון מתקבל כמובן-מאליו.
THE OUTPOST
Characters:
Romulus: A Roman legionnaire.
Marcus: A Roman legionnaire.
Decimus: A Roman legionnaire.
Anatolius: A Greek legionnaire.
Other Roman Legionnaires
Fabius: A Roman decanus.
Centurion: Roman commander of the outpost.
Barbarian Archer
Decanus 2
Decanus 3
Barbarian Commander 1
Barbarian Commander 2
Barbarian Commander 3
[Scene 1]
Four legionnaires, Decimus, Marcus, Romulus and Anatolius are sitting around a fire.
Decimus: Let them barbarians come! They may be brave, but that is because they don't know Decimus. Once I am finished with them, they will be tying themselves up and begging us to take them as slaves.
Marcus: Your enthusiasm is commendable, but foolish, Decimus. It will fade quickly once you face these monsters with their invisible arrows.
Decimus: Nonsense! The invisible arrows are nothing but a figment of spineless plebeian imagination. Naught but treacherous rumors aimed to dishearten us in the quest for our destiny. Such things cannot be.
Marcus: Dunce. Your arrogance shall lead you to your doom.
Romulus: Arrogant indeed is Decimus, and imaginary they are not.
Decimus: Pardon?
Romulus: I have seen a man with the wound. One in the gut, one in the back. It pierces the flesh like no arrow of ours. And the man bled and cried, to his very demise.
Anatolius: True, friends. I have seen one too. They say the barbarians have bows that roar like thunder. Their arrows strike from nowhere. And before you know it, a centuria is gone.
Decimus: Well, no invisible arrows will stop me from becoming a centurion.
Marcus: You should rather focus on not losing your tunic while running away.
Decanus Fabius [enters]: What is this reckless talk that I hear? Hush! Unfit for legionnaires of the Empire. Tomorrow we rise at dawn and march towards the outpost. To your tents, sleep. No more of this.
[End scene]
[Scene 2]
At the outpost. Romulus is sharpening his gladius in a tent. A Centurion enters.
Centurion: Rise, militar!
Romulus: Ave!
Centurion: What is your name?
Romulus: Romulus, Centurio.
Centurion: Your full name, idiot.
Romulus: Romulus Septimia Dolium.
Centurion: Ha! No wonder you are slow-minded. Dolium? A jar? What kind of a name is that?
Romulus: There is a funny story about this, Centurio. You see, my father…
Centurion: Silence! You talk too much.
Romulus: But Centurio, you asked…
Centurion: Silence! I will have you lashed. Do you know where you are?
Romulus: At the outpost.
Centurion: And what lies there? [points]
Romulus: Teutoburg forest.
Centurion: Exactly! So, you have some wit in you.
Romulus: So I was told.
Centurion: Now you listen, chump! Here is our outpost. Beyond, lies the great Teutoburg forest. In it are the most ruthless barbarians the Empire ever faced. They are fierce, they are strong, and they have no intention to let us pass.
Romulus: What if we ask them nicely?
Centurion: There is no reasoning with barbarians! But they will not stop us, of course. This forest, great as it may be, will not stop us. Do you know why, militar?
Romulus: Because we are Romans?
Centurion: Because we are Romans, lad! As clear as the sun rises in the morning, our legions will cross the dark forest. Be ready to march when you are called.
Romulus: As you say, Centurio.
[Centurion leaves]
Romulus: What a mess I've gotten myself into! I can hardly lift my shield, and now I am to fight the invincible Germani? Yes, I love the Empire, but not as much as I love my neck! Calm, calm, oh heart of mine. Coward, I am not. And I will fight, yes I will, for my family, for my land! But what does Fortuna hold for me? Glory or tragedy? Ah, if only I could know!
[Decimus enters]
Decimus: Who is that? Dolium? Speaking to yourself again, I recon?
Romulus: It is much more useful and dignified than speaking to you.
Decimus: You wouldn't say that once I become your decanus.
Romulus: I'd rather eat my sandals than serve under you.
Decimus: You'd better conserve your salt, then.
[Marcus enters]
Marcus: No wine in here I'm afraid, Decimus.
Decimus: No wine but good Romulus is here.
Marcus: Ah. Then we shall be thankful.
Romulus: You both are welcome to my humble abode.
Decimus: No wine, no meat, no women. Your abode is humble indeed.
Romulus: It is good to see you in good spirits and not at the slightest concerned with the bluntness of your swords. And where is Anatolius?
Marcus: Probably reciting his Greek poetry somewhere.
Decimus: Damn these Grecians! I do not trust them for a moment. First chance he gets, he'd hand us over to the barbarians! Then excuse himself with some witless laconism, like "better eat the egg than sit on it".
Marcus: That makes no sense at all.
Decimus: Do Grecians ever do?
Romulus: It is not the Greeks that we should concern ourselves with.
Decimus: These ridiculous invisible arrows again?
[Cries are heard outside]
Marcus: What is that?
[Legionaries enter, carrying a wounded soldier]
Marcus: Who is this?
Legionnaire: A scout. We were marching through the forest. Then, suddenly, came the invisible arrow. Poor man was hit. Then the archer was gone.
Romulus: Look! It pierced his armor like a lance!
Decimus: Impossible! Let me look! What kind of a weapon is that?
Marcus: I’m afraid very soon we would have to find out.
[End Scene]
[Scene 3]
Inside the outpost, the legionnaires are standing in a row. A centurion stands before them.
Centurion: Before I read the list, I would like to know of any volunteers for today's venture into the forest. The best of the best, step forward!
Decimus: [Steps forward] I!
Centurion: Good. Any more?
[Silence]
Centurion: I understand that I am dealing with little girls here.
Anatolius: [sighs] I sure would have liked a girl right now.
Marcus: Wouldn't you prefer a boy instead?
Centurion: Quiet! No brothel will accommodate a shameful bunch like you.
Marcus: Rome is big, some place could be found.
Centurion: Since none of you are worthy, I will read from the list. Hear, hear! These are the names. Marcellus, Pontus, Flatulus Magnus …
[All laugh]
Centurion: What's so funny? Flatulus Magnus! Where is Flatulus Magnus? Not here? Nevermind, I'll find him later. Atrius Tiberia, Cassius Dolabella, Scratcho Behindum …
[All laugh]
Centurion: No laughing! Where is Scratcho Behindum?
Romulus: Centurio, I do not think this is a real name.
Centurion: Of course it's a real name! Scratcho Behindum!
Romulus: Scratcho. Behindum.
[Silence]
Centurion: Right. Who put this on the list?
Marcus: How disrespectful. The soldiers here are worse than the barbarians.
Decimus: Whoever did this, he should be crucified.
Marcus: Drawn and quartered.
Romulus: That's too barbaric. Drowning should suffice.
Centurion: Quiet! I'm the one who decides. This whole affair is not funny in the slightest.
Decimus: Not in the slightest!
Romulus: Maybe only slightly.
Centurion: Cease this foolishness! Next! Donkeyus Pater…
[Loud laughter]
Centurion: Enough, enough, enough! What is your name, soldier?
Decimus: Decimus Cornelius Gallus!
Centurion: All those to the right of Gallus are venturing into the forest. The rest of you, start cleaning the outpost! It reeks like a plebian marketplace.
[End Scene]
[Scene 4]
The chosen squad ventures into the forest. Decimus starts singing a marching song, horribly.
Decimus: We are here to stand and fight, to stand and fight, won't be no flight! We stand strong, defend our land, the foe's demise is close at hand!
Romulus: By Jupiter, could you please NOT?
Decimus: Forgot to drink your milk this morning, Dolium?
Romulus: Fifty gallons of milk wouldn't fix a voice like a crow's.
Decimus: Hah! You are just jealous of a real man's voice.
Romulus: How far are we to march, Decanus?
Decanus Fabius: Until we reach the enemy's camp.
Romulus: I suppose we do not know where it is.
Decanus Fabius: Not far, I am certain.
Romulus: And what do we do once we reach it?
Decanus Fabius: Burn it.
Romulus: Ah, quite a simple task.
Decanus Fabius: Nothing that hasn't been done before, many times before in our long history. We just do our part.
Romulus: Then we have nothing to worry about.
Decimus: [continues singing] The Emperor entrusted us, we fight for him without a fuss, the senators they will discuss…
[A gunshot is heard]
Legionnaire 1: Ahhh! [falls]
Legionnaire 2: What was that?
Decimus: [Shouts] Invisible arrows! [drops to the ground]
[Romulus drops as well.]
Decanus Fabius: Hey! Stand up! What are you? Rise! Find the archer! He is here somewhere!
[The legionaries split, moving between the trees.]
Decanus Fabius: Come out! Don't be a coward! Fight like a man!
[Second gunshot]
Legionnaire 2: Ahhh! He got my arm! [drops]
[Romulus crawls towards a nearby bush.]
Decanus Fabius: Darn it! [Runs around aimlessly]
Decimus: I am going to take you down! You can't hide! [Covers his face with his shield]
[Third gunshot]
Romulus: [Throws pilum at hiding archer] Ha!
Archer: Ah!
Romulus: Got you! Die! [Stabs archer]
[Silence]
Decanus Fabius: Romulus! You found him?
Romulus: Yes! And I have his weapon! [Lifts musket]
Decimus: What! [Runs up to Romulus] Oh no, is he dead? You should have taken him prisoner! What a waste!
Decanus Fabius: Show me! How odd! This looks like… Some form of a ballista?
Romulus: We must take this back to the outpost before we are attacked again.
Decanus Fabius: You are right. Pick up the wounded and fall back!
Decimus: You sure are lucky today, Dolium! An extra cup of milk for you.
Romulus: Yes, today Fortuna smiles to us. Now we can discover the secret of these barbarians!
[End Scene]
[Scene 5]
The Centurion and Decanus Fabius are having a conversation about the recovered musket in the Centurion's tent.
Centurion: So how do you think this should be used? [Looks into the barrel of the musket].
Decanus Fabius: We need to examine this, but I believe this is where the invisible arrow goes.
Centurion: But how do they see the invisible arrows if they're… Invisible?
Decanus Fabius: They are not actually invisible. Look. [Hands over sack with bullets]
Centurion: What are these? These are balls, not arrows!
Decanus Fabius: But they are used as arrows.
Centurion: These tiny balls? How? They are not even sharp!
Decanus Fabius: Yet they are deadly when combined with this powder.
Centurion: Magical powder!
Decanus Fabius: Burning powder, Centurio.
Centurion: Glorious Apollo's buttocks! How have the barbarians gained such wonders?
Decanus Fabius: I do not know, Centurio, but what I believe is that the Empire must discover the secret of this powder to defeat them.
Centurion: We need to capture one of them alive.
Decanus Fabius: Yes, and send this to Rome to be investigated.
Centurion: Yes… Wait, no! My glory… Hmm, Our glory will only be achieved once we are able to catch a barbarian, discover their secret, and defeat them! Oh yes, I already imagine the parade. Our greatest victory! How pleased the Emperor will be…
[Their discussion is interrupted by a loud bang.]
Centurion: What in the name of Jupiter's mighty third leg was that?
[A legionnaire runs in.]
Legionnaire: We are being attacked!
Centurion: Attacked? You mean, someone is attacking us?
Legionnaire: That's the ordinary meaning of being attacked, Centurio.
Centurion: Don't try to be a smart ass! Who the heck has the colei to attack us, a Roman legion?
Decanus Fabius: The barbarians, I assume?
[Another loud bang is heard from outside.]
Centurion: Darn it! What's going on?
[They run out, to the sight of soldiers running around in horror. Some of the tents have collapsed and fire is spreading through the camp.]
Centurion: Hey! Stop that! Stand up and fight! Put out the fires! Don’t just run around like a bunch of frightened… Chicken!
[The centurion runs to the outpost’s gate, trying to stop soldiers from escaping. With another loud bang, the watchtower behind the centurion is hit. It tilts and starts falling in his direction.]
Decanus Fabius: Move, Centurio! The tower is falling!
Centurion: Sweet Apollo’s behind! [Turns around to the tower, just as it collapses on him, crushing the centurion.]
[End scene]
[Scene 6]
Fabius convenes with the other decani in the Centurion’s tent. He holds the Centurion’s vine staff, and wears what’s left of his rank insignia.
Centurion Fabius: The situation is not good, I can tell you this, fellows. The barbarians have devastated our camp and the centurion is dead. As second in command, I assumed his role. We are left with no choice but to regroup and strike back!
Decanus 2: But Centurio, perhaps we should reconsider our options? These are some catapults that they had! Straight out of Hades! And the projectiles are made of iron! And the noise! And the fire!
Decanus 3: Certainly there is much to consider! How do we fight these demons? We couldn’t even find the tracks of their catapults. If they stormed the outpost, we would have been doomed.
Centurion Fabius: Quiet! It is dishonorable to speak such wimpy things. There is no time to waste. The barbarians expect us to retreat, but instead, we will march again into the forest. Confront them once more when they do not expect us. This time, we must capture one of them alive. And this time, we have an advantage.
Decanus 2: Advantage? Do we have a Deus ex Machina at our disposal? Our play could sure use one to make a comedy out of tragedy.
Centurion Fabius: No need for a Machina, the gods are at our side, they gave us the gift of wisdom, that the barbarians do not have. Romulus!
[Romulus enters the tent.]
Romulus: Ave!
Centurion Fabius: Meet Romulus. He is the new decanus. He learned how to use the barbarians’ weapon. Please demonstrate the weapon to us, Romulus.
Romulus: It will be my pleasure. Please follow me.
[Romulus takes the decani outside, and demonstrates firing the musket on a haystack.]
Romulus: Cover your ears, for this weapon roars like thunder.
[Fires.]
Decanus 2: Ei! What a noise this barbarian weapon makes!
Romulus: Aye, and it is powerful, too. You have seen how it pierced our armors. No doubt, it may pierce through a shield as well.
Decanus 3: It is not very encouraging, to say the least.
Centurion Fabius: What have I told you about this treacherous rhetoric! Where is your valor? We now know how their weapon works. Soon enough, we will discover more of their secrets. Let me hear you now!
Decanus 3: [Sighs] Hail Caesar!
Romulus: [Raises musket up] Roma Invicta!
Centurion Fabius: Good, Romulus! Rome will prevail.
[End scene]
[Scene 7]
The legion is marching through the forest from sunrise. Dusk is drawing near.
Marcus: How much more do we have to go? We’ve been marching for hours.
Romulus: No complaints now! When we get there, we get there.
Decimus: [Whispers] I still can’t believe he was promoted to decanus.
Romulus: You don’t become decanus by talking too much.
Anatolius: If confidence does not give rank, then rank gives confidence, it seems.
Romulus: Always the philosopher. Worry not, Anatolius, I still have my head on my shoulders. No glory for my part. I am here to fulfil my duty and head back home. And you too will return to your den of gonorrhea.
Marcus: [Laughs] His Greek den must be cleaner than the best in Italy, I am certain! Unfortunately, it has nothing but old men in it.
Decimus: [Bursts into laughter]
Anatolius: I can assure you we have more than enough women, and unlike yours, they do not need to resort to bleaching their hair blond to get any sort of attention from men.
Centurion Fabius: Silence! Look ahead! A forest glade!
Decanus 2: Are these huts in the distance?
Centurion Fabius: Enemy camp ahead! Tortoise formation! Move slowly!
[They enter the enemy camp and are surprised to find it empty.]
Marcus: [Inspects a hut] Nobody in here, Centurio! But the hut is full of food!
Decimus: Hey, you will not believe it! In here, there are wine barrels all over!
Decanus 2: Centurio, in this hut are… The barbarians’ weapons! So many of them! Enough for all of us!
Centurion Fabius: Impossible. No! None of this makes sense! Full of supplies, with no guards? This is a trap. Do not let your guard down! We will take some supplies and leave urgently, while we still can.
Decimus: Perhaps the barbarians fled when they heard us approaching! They did not expect us to find their camp, so unprepared, they ran as fast as they could!
Anatolius: Please, Centurio, let us rest! We marched all day.
Centurion Fabius: No! We will leave at once. Gather, gather!
[The legionnaires slowly gather, while chewing on food or messing with objects that they found in the camp.]
Centurion Fabius: Stop eating, you swines! Slaves have better discipline than you. It seems that I have been too lenient with you. From now on… What are you staring at?
Decanus 2: Centurio, look!
[Centurion Fabius notices that his legionnaires stare at the sky and looks up, to see a large object flying above them.]
Decimus: What kind of a bird is that?
Anatolius: That is no bird like I’ve ever seen before. It looks like a boat with wings.
Centurion Fabius: It can’t be! Why are you mocking us, Jupiter? Or maybe you bless us in your presence?
Romulus: Anatolius is right, bird it is not. This is a flying… Machine!
Marcus: Look, it is turning! Has it noticed us?
Decanus 2: Perhaps that is the Deus ex Machina that we wished for? O we, of little faith!
Romulus: For some reason, I doubt it!
[As the flying ship passes over their heads, its hull opens and something falls out.]
Decimus: Look! It delivers something to us!
Decanus 2: Thank you, Jupiter, for the gifts that you bring us!
Romulus: Scatter, move away! Run!
[Romulus and other legionnaires run away, followed by the confused Centurion Fabius. A loud bang roars as the bombs fall right on decani 2 & 3 and Decimus, who are too much in awe to move away. Fabius is wounded by shrapnel.]
Centurion Fabius: Ah, Gods! I am hit. No gifts from Jupiter, what a gullible fool I am.
Romulus: Centurio!
Centurion Fabius: I am finished. You command what is left of this centuria now, Romulus. Avenge my death by the hands of these devilish barbarians.
Romulus: I will not leave you!
Centurion Fabius: But you must! You must go on. It is our way. Our ancestors are looking at you, expecting you to do the right thing. Go!
[As the smoke clears, Romulus turns to the forest, where the barbarian soldiers emerge by the dozens, dragging machine guns with them.]
Romulus: Friends! Romans! Gather, whoever can still stand. The enemy surrounds us. It appears that we are trapped, and no choice remains now but to fight. And fight we shall, for it is what we were prepared for. No more fear! Too late for that. My doubts are gone as I look at the foes of Rome. No retreat, no surrender today. To arms!
Marcus: It seems that fate brought us here. Alas, together we charge, united. Anatolius! Are you still here?
Anatolius: Ay, Marcus, ay Romulus. We are brothers today, Greeks and Romans, against these cruel barbarians. For our lands, for our cultures, no regrets today. We may die, but Rome will live on. Molon Labe!
Romulus: Shields up! Charge!
[With loud roars, the legionnaires charge the enemy, who opens machine gun fire. While charging, Romulus stumbles and falls down.]
Barbarian Commander: (unseen behind the trees) Hold your fire!
[Machine gun fire stops. Romulus rises, struggling to stand on an injured leg. As the smoke scatters again, he is the only legionnaire left standing. He slowly limps towards the enemy.]
Barbarian Commander: Give up, soldier. All of your fellows have fallen.
Romulus: Never! My name is Romulus Septimia Dolium, and as long as I can hold my gladius, I will not give up.
Barbarian Commander: No limit to your stubbornness. Heroism? Or foolishness? How does one determine which is which?
Romulus: All that I know is that I am a Roman. And that you are the enemy of Rome.
Barbarian Commander: What a narrow outlook you have! You are the Roman! And all the rest are barbarians!
Romulus: It is true. Rome will prevail.
Barbarian Commander: To last for eternity? Unlike those who came before her? Don’t you see the folly in your logic?
Romulus: The world belongs to Rome! You barbarians are only a setback to what fate has planned for us!
Barbarian Commander: Rome will fall, oh stubborn one, like all before her. But worry not, others will take its place. The pride, the glory, the agony and folly. They are not yours alone.
Romulus: Barbarians like you will never replace Rome.
Barbarian Commander: Quite the contrary, brave legionnaire. [Steps out from the trees, dressed in blue Prussian uniform.] I am Rome!
[An officer, dressed in French white uniform steps out of the trees.]
French commander: I am Rome!
[A third one, dressed in red British uniform steps out.]
British commander: I am Rome!
Romulus: Enough! Enough! I will hear no more of this nonsense!
Barbarian Commander: As you wish. Once more then, soldiers. Ready! Aim!
Romulus: [Holds up his gladius] Hail Caesar!
Barbarian Commander: Fire!
[Dramatic music plays. Heavy machine gun fire roars, and Romulus falls. The Music ends]
French commander: Is it over? Finally. That Roman was unbearable! Wasn’t he, John? To think we consider you uncultured and brutish!
British Commander: Unreasonable he was, Marcel, truly unreasonable and Simple-minded.
Barbarian Commander: You’re quick to speak ill of others, but I tell you what, you can’t find many of his kind anymore, simple as he was.
British Commander: A sharp wordsmith though you are, Hans, now you’re just being a silly romantic.
[All exit.]
