The Outpost
[scene 3]
Inside the outpost, the legionnaires are standing in a row. A
centurion stands before them.
Centurion: Before I read
the list, I would like to know of any volunteers for today's venture into the
forest. The best of the best, step forward!
Decimus: [steps forward] I!
Centurion: Good. Any
more?
[Silence]
Centurion: I understand
that I am dealing with little girls here.
Anatolius: [sighs] I sure
would have liked a little girl right now.
Marcus: Wouldn't you prefer a boy instead?
Centurion: Quiet! No
brothel will accommodate a shameful bunch like you.
Marcus: Rome is big, some place could be
found.
Centurion: Since none of
you are worthy, I will read from the list. Hear, hear! These are the names. Marcellus,
Pontus, Flatulus Magnus …
[all laugh]
Centurion: What's so
funny? Flatulus Magnus! Where is Flatulus Magnus? Not here? Nevermind, I'll
find him later. Atrius Tiberia, Cassius Dolabella, Scratcho Behindum …
[all laugh]
Centurion: No laughing!
Where is Scratcho Behindum?
Romulus: Centurio, I do not think this is a
real name.
Centurion: Of course it's
a real name! Scratcho Behindum!
Romulus: Scratcho. Behindum.
[Silence]
Centurion: Right. Who put
this on the list?
Marcus: Disrespectful. The soldiers here
are worse than the barbarians.
Decimus: Whoever did this, he should be
crucified.
Marcus: Drawn and quartered.
Romulus: That's too barbaric. Just drown
him.
Centurion: Quiet! I'm the
one who decides. This whole affair is not funny in the slightest.
Decimus: Not in the slightest!
Romulus: Maybe only slightly.
Centurion: Cease this
foolishness! Next! Donkeyus Pater…
[loud laughter]
Centurion: Enough, enough,
enough! What is your name, soldier?
Decimus: Decimus Cornelius Gallus!
Centurion: All those to
the right of Gallus are venturing into the forest. The rest of you, start
cleaning the outpost! It reeks like a plebian market.
[End Scene]
[scene 4]
The chosen squad ventures into the forest. Decimus starts singing a
marching song. Horribly.
Decimus: We are here to stand and fight, to
stand and fight, won't be no flight! We stand strong, defend our land, the
foe's demise is close at hand!
Romulus: By Jupiter, could you please NOT?
Decimus: Forgot to drink your milk this
morning, Dolium?
Romulus: Fifty gallons of milk wouldn't fix
a voice like a crow's.
Decimus: Hah! You are just jealous of a real
man's voice.
Romulus: How far are we to march, Decanus?
Decanus: Until we reach the enemy's camp.
Romulus: I suppose we do not know where it
is.
Decanus: Not far, I am certain.
Romulus: And what do we do once we reach it?
Decanus: Burn it.
Romulus: Ah, quite a simple task.
Decanus: Nothing that hasn't been done
before.
Romulus: Then we have nothing to worry about.
Decimus: [continues singing] The Emperor
entrusted us, we fight for him without a fuss, the senators they will discuss…
[gunshot is heard]
Legionaire 1: Ahhh! [falls]
Legionaire 2: What was that?
Decimus: [shouts] Invisible arrows! [drops
to the ground]
Romulus drops as well.
Decanus: Hey! Stand up! Who are you! Rise!
Find the archer! He is here somewhere!
The legionaries split, moving between the trees.
Decanus: Come out! Don't be a coward! Fight
like a man!
[Second gunshot]
Legionaire 2: Ahhh! He got
my arm! [drops]
Romulus crawls towards a nearby bush.
Decanus: Darn it! [runs around aimlessly]
Decimus: I am going to take you down! You
can't hide! [covers his face with his shield]
[Third gunshot]
Romulus: [Throws pilum at hiding archer] Ha!
Archer: Ah!
Romulus: Got you! Die! [stabs archer]
[Silence]
Decanus: Romulus! You found him?
Romulus: Yes! And I have his weapon! [lifts
musket]
Decimus: What! [runs up to Romulus] Oh no,
is he dead? You should have taken him prisoner!
Decanus: Show me! How odd! This looks like…
Some form of a ballista?
Romulus: We must take this back to the outpost
before we are attacked again.
Decanus: You are right. Pick up the wounded
and fall back!
Decimus: You are lucky today, Dolium! An extra
cup of milk for you.
Romulus: We all are. Now we can discover the
secret of these barbarians!
[End Scene]
